Gender Dysphoria Playback
Illustration by Cynthia (@PTElephant).
Before I get out any other posts in any medium, I just want to preface it with this one, because it might help establish some background and get it out of the way. I have gender dysphoria. I have since early childhood. I chose not to transition, and I’m really happy with my decision.
I don’t identify as anything else. I think that’s regressive and for me, personally, it’s unhealthy to do so, because it can be one of the things that starts me on a slippery slide into obsessive thoughts. I realize my choice isn’t for everyone either and that’s fine too. Different people alleviate gender dysphoria differently, and I don’t treat my friends who are trans differently than I treat anyone else.
That being said, I have had people call mine into question because I didn’t transition, which is kind of hilarious, considering the word, “dysphoria” gets thrown around for things as mundane as, “rejection” or for experiences as benign as, “misgendering” or, “deadnaming”. Just, FYI, when you perpetuate that kind of stuff as, “harmful”, you’re not only making the words, “harmful” and, “transphobic” meaningless, you’re also saying that anyone with gender dysphoria or that identifies as trans is so emotionally weak, they can’t handle hearing things that upset them.
Which, I realize some people are more reactionary or sensitive than others, but you’re perpetuating that stereotype and telling people this is a healthy reaction, instead of supporting them in becoming a stronger person who can handle anything that comes their way.
As someone with gender dysphoria, it’s incredibly absurd and offensive to see all these neopronouns and types of “dysphoria” popping up and having people who know nothing about our mental health condition, and don’t care about its research, or our therapy and treatment options speak over us and tell us how bigoted we are when we talk about this stuff. I know everyone wants to feel special and “valid”, and that everyone has their own issues and unique expression, but that’s literally just what having a personality is. It has nothing to do with us. You want to come up with special labels for your expression or the way you feel, that’s fine, but these are ours and they refer to mental health issues that we’d like to adequately diagnose, treat, and have go away – not make them the centers of our personalities.
Further, these labels essentially end up getting eroded just as much as every other term that gets adopted by the “Queer” community. “Woman” and “man” mean that you “feel like you’re a woman or man and that’s entirely up to you, because they can mean anything”. “Gay and lesbian” mean anyone “attracted to the same gender” and that can just come down to someone’s expression of “masculine” or, “feminine”. “Non-binary” means that you don’t “feel like a man or a woman, even though those can feel or express themselves however they want and so can non-binary”. Same with any neo-pronoun or sexual orientation.
It all starts with a solid definition, a flag, etc., but then gets eroded because some people who want to identify into it don’t fit the definition and say they’re just as, “valid”, even though they don’t conform to the criteria.
The truth is, we need criteria. We need definitions to help us describe things – including ourselves. If you want anyone to be able to understand you – to really understand and appreciate you, you need a solid way to communicate things about yourself. You should have people appreciate all the beautifully unique and weird things about you without feeling the need to squeeze yourself into a label that doesn’t fit. And if you really want a flag or something that bad, you can make one of your own, just for you and even appreciators of who you are.
And that’s what brings me back around to my own issues with gender dysphoria.
Because of the nature of mental health and how your environment and past can influence and literally shape your mind through brain architecture and neuro pathways, it can take years to unpack it all and put it into words that you can relay to a therapist – or even, yourself. I’m in my 30’s, went to therapy in my mid-twenties for years, and decided not to transition in my teens, but I’m still unraveling my past and coming to realize things affected me and contributed to my gender dysphoria that I hadn’t previously considered.
I give myself room to go over and discover all these things about myself without trying to fit into anything. The people in my life know that I need the space to do that and know that I have times where I can be weird about things, or how to act when something does trigger my gender dysphoria. They know the types of things I need to feel supported because I was able to communicate it all to them without ever falling back on, “I’m like this because I’m xyz label”.
I don’t use my condition as an excuse or as a way of saying, “This is just the way I am. Deal with it”, but rather as a reference point to see if I’m reacting a certain way to something or behaving a certain way because of that underlying reason. If I am, I know to explain that, use it as an opportunity to note the trigger, analyze why it’s happening, and figure out a good coping strategy to keep it from happening in the future so life can get even easier.
As I said, it took me years to get to this point. It took me years to realize certain things about my life or to understand that certain things were because of events and elements from my past, false beliefs, etc. I can’t really say if I could’ve even gotten to this point when I was younger – either because I wasn’t mature enough, or because I was so bogged down by the bigger things I had to process, I couldn’t even see the more nuanced things clearly.
I thought for years that I didn’t need therapy and that I had everything figured out. I had always taken better care of myself than anyone else, and thought I didn’t need any help because I always seemed to figure out and get through things just fine. I felt so sure – no one could convince me otherwise, but I was wrong about that and I’m glad I came to realize that. I’ve become a lot lighter and happier after I did and the more I talk about and process everything.
If it took me that long to get here, how long will it take you? It couldn’t hurt to give it a try and start now.
