Gender Dysphoria, Baby
Despite my having done therapy that was ultimately very successful in treating my gender dysphoria, some twinges of it linger. The same goes for my eating disorder. I still see myself unrealistically – whether it’s that I’m heavier than I am, seeing my face as more masculine, or not recognizing my hands as my own. It’s rare, however, and I can now relate to my reflection and even have a fairly consistent mental image of what I look like. My compulsions to feed into those momentary false perceptions have diminished to next to nothing and most of the time, I don’t even think about it outside of the time I spend discussing it online.
Because of my healthy mental state and pressing health issues, I decided it was finally time to try to get pregnant. I finally have a partner that I trust completely and for the first time, I felt like if I did get pregnant, I wouldn’t be going it alone.
We discussed the realities, the pros and cons, if we were ready, and we decided to go forward. I was tense and scared, but also excited. I’d raised my two siblings and been a nanny, but this was going to be my first pregnancy and the first child I would get to raise without having to worry about someone else intervening.
My doctor had told me that because of my health issues and age (I’m 32), that it could take up to a year to get pregnant, but it happened within the first three months! I’ll admit, knowing it could take a year had been somewhat of a relief. I thought I’d have more time to prepare mentally for the pregnancy. But, here it was!
When I first saw the positive result on the test, I was incredulous. I laughed and I was happy, but I also had an overwhelming dread. My gender dysphoria started to creep in, unsettling me about the experience of pregnancy. I tried to use my coping mechanisms, but the feelings kept creeping in.
The physician confirmation didn’t help sway my feelings. It merely solidified that it was real and there was no turning back for me. This is what I’d wanted, whether the dysphoric part of me was ready or not. My partner was over the moon, and he started looking up how the fetus develops. He had only been reading for a few minutes and I felt sick. I couldn’t listen anymore. I had to ask him to stop. I felt awful and started to panic. It wasn’t his fault. I started thinking about terminating the pregnancy. Not seriously, but here and there. My gender dysphoria was inciting fear and making me feel trapped for the first time in a long time.
I couldn’t keep bottling it up. I knew that that would only lead to things getting worse – to fixating on things and going into an obsessive spiral. I brought it up to my partner one night. I told him how I was feeling and asked him if he would hate me if I felt like I couldn’t psychologically cope with the pregnancy and terminated. He was so supportive and told me I could if that’s what I really needed to do, but he was also honest about his feelings and that it would hurt him. I was immediately soothed. I felt a weight lift off of me. I wasn’t trapped. He respected my body and my psychological health. He also had started to feel love for the developing baby and that was also comforting. If anything went wrong, he would step up. He would be there for the baby if I couldn’t and it felt so good to know that.
Ultimately, that’s what I needed. I needed to know that I was safe and that the baby would be safe. That I could feel things without being punished, that I could be imperfect and he would be there regardless. My feelings of gender dysphoria surrounding the pregnancy fell away. And since then, I can even think about the delivery and not feel existential dread. I don’t even feel panic. I’m sure I will in the moment, but I don’t think it’ll be anymore than what women usually feel in the moment.
I’ve developed a pride and peace in my pregnancy. I’ve grown to love the baby already and I’m only 12 weeks along. I cry tears of joy whenever I get to see the ultrasound footage. It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before and I look forward to the feelings that follow in the coming months. I know that whatever I end up feeling, I have the room to share it and the support of my partner and friends to help me through it.
